LWA INTERVIEWS
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Friday, February 15, 2008
LWA Interviews Free Agent Riddle Bobby Teenager
Although most of you know Robert Thornton by his true character… Bobby Teenager, this Croydon born sensation is actually quite a master of multiple identities. Multi-sports star, gifted comedic mind, hopeless painkiller addicted narc-fiend… these are just a few of Bobby Teenager’s personalities. The LWA recently sat down with the awkward sheepwolf and discussed a few topics. Let me warn you before you go any further… much of this interview makes no sense at all.
LWA: “How is your health”
Bobby Teenager: “Funny you ask that, acehole. Mike Phelan just asked me if my over under on death was still 30. I answered no it's now 40. So does that answer your question? The ankle is no longer a cankle. It's almost back to its Darius Miles size. Does it hurt? Yes. Do I care? No. I only care about The Office airing a new episode.”
LWA: “Do you honestly intend to play in 2008?”
Bobby Teenager: “Hold on let me flip a coin. Yes the answer is yes. Not only do I intend to play… I intend on bringing a secret attribute - pitching. I have mastered a new pitch. The reverse curveball. Lefties have an advantage
No Mo. I think I might name the pitch the Screwball.”
LWA: “Ok then. How can the GM's believe you based on your track record?”
Bobby Teenager: “They can't… however does not everyone deserve a second chance? Didn’t you see The Notebook? I bet someone got a second chance in that. Plus the GM's should not believe me anyway, I'm a swine. I can however play one hellava game of wiff. I won back to back Golden Gloves. I won... fuck it. Fuck the stats. Next question.”
LWA: “Which team would you like to play on?”
Bobby Teenager: “The
Phoenix Suns
. But if you’re asking which LWA team I would like to be on… the darkside. I have strategically dominated many a man on the darkside in the game of video Monop. The game of Monop and the game of Wiff are identical in my eyes. AJW, you know what team is the dark side is. I would also like to be on any receiving end of a Kev Shaw pitch. I been hitting tates of him since he was a pitcher in Tee Ball. Bill Shaw is a fine player his team be very nice. I won titles with Greg Davis it be nice to bring our title to the LWA and see the talent matched up. I would also like to be on Kev Shaw’s Team he is a fine pitcher.”
LWA: “So basically anybody then? What can a GM expect if he signs you to a lengthy contract?"
Bobby Teenager: “He can expect some rust in the field at first. But when the rust rusts away a Golden Glove shall shine. I am 110% in the field. No tree, rock, house, bush, fence, or Lubieski hippy guitar song will stop me. My bat is average but clutch much like a young Desi Relaford. I have developed pitching since the ankle injury. A story if I will. After drinking till ten in the morning I put on a Timberland work boot I snatched from a friends trunk. I taped and put more tape around the boot reinforcing the ankle. I had a left foot that weighed more than me. I had a broken ankle. I was hammered on a 15 hour bender. It was 99 degrees out. I was up for more then 24 hours straight. I pitched a gem.”
LWA: “I don’t remember Desi Relaford ever being clutch. Are you addicted to any narcotics?”
Bobby Teenager: “Yes. I am addicted to Jenkem... street name butt hash. Google it to learn more."
LWA: “What is your current relationship with Kev Shaw.”
Bobby Teenager: “Kevin Patrick Shaw has banned me from his home and family. I have the legal papers to prove it. Kev blames his high school delinquencies on me. Kev used to drive his brother Bill’s blue Buick Century illegally to CEC and whip threw the parking lots at the ripe age of 15. I was grateful because I did not have 8th period and had a ride home. Kev left Egan and attended Truman (ugh) which created jealousy because of the relationship Bill and I had when he drove me to school and we were frequently late and Sister Maria Theresa would give us demerits. Bill and I rided and died together. Bill and I were also the best one two punch in touch football. Kev blames on this on me and thinks I will taint his sons life as I did is. I expect a Karate Kid 2 scenario in the near future.”
LWA: “Do you believe in God?”
Bobby Teenager: “Yes Krados.”
LWA: “Any final thoughts???”
Bobby Teenager: “Fuck your face. Fuck Snowed In it never snowed and be good to one another. Wait I have a thought.. How did Sister Judy die? Was it a heart attack? I heard it was an air balloon disaster. Is she the principle of heaven? Will she make a cameo in God of War 3?a
LWA Interviews Poisonous Seahorses GM Andy Waskie
Cute, handsome and handy with a rod… a fishing rod that is, this adventurous executive has never shied away from controversy. Born as the 7th son of the 7th moon in Shegorath in AD 7767, GM extraordinaire Andy Waskie is part human, part plastic. He’s spent 27,990 hours in the vast expanse of Oblivion. He’s battled warlocks in winter, sandtraps on Dagobah, and woods that were shady. He’s chased comets, fought warriors on horses, and gone toe to toe with silverbacks that were pretty fucking angry. Those are only a few of his mythical conquests. In all seriousness, 2008 will prove new conquests - a revamped LWA, a potential powder keg of a partnership with MVP candidate Brian “Guzz” Dickerson, and as always, his own personal demon… food. We present to you, LWA Hall of Famer and GM of the 2007 unofficial champion Poisonous Seahorses… Andy Waskie.
LWA: “It’s a true honor to be here, sir. How are you today?”
Andy Waskie: “Can we make this quick, this Oblivion crisis is far from over.”
LWA: “How would you say your franchise is shaping up?”
Andy Waskie: “Pretty god damned good. From top to bottom it’s pretty fucking sick.”
LWA: “With all dude respect, your roster has many players who have a history of low attendance. How do you respond to your critics who say depth will be a major factor during the season?”
Andy Waskie: “Relax, dude. I can certainly see their point. We have a roster full of dudes who may not be there every week but to those who have been criticizing us all I can say is, fuck it. We’ll see you out on the awkward diamond.”
LWA: “Who do you expect big things from this year?”
Andy Waskie: “Guzz. He’s gonna win the MVP Award, there’s no doubt in my mind. He’ll see about 25% more pitches than he did in 2007 based solely on the fact that he’ll be on a team that’s winning most of the time. Last season he was on a lot of losing teams so pitcher’s weren’t afraid to walk him to ensure that he didn’t beat them.”
LWA: “Makes sense.”
Andy Waskie: “It really does. I also expect Hall of Famer Mike Lubieski to win Comeback Player of the Year. I think all the players in the Repko deal, including Repko himself, will be battling out that Award all season long. It’s one of the biggest competitions I expect to see in ‘08.”
LWA: “Indeed. Tell us something.”
Andy Waskie: “I’m an Olympic Bronze Medallist.”
LWA: “Who on your roster, if you were to get this person for even a few games, would make a tremendous difference on your team and why?”
Andy Waskie: “Eeh Gads. There’s quite a few actually, bro. Let’s talk about Lubi. Hall of Famer. Living Legend. Nice all-around human. Then we dance we Shawn “Buddafet” Williams. An honest to god Prince in his native Belgium. Rob Deering. I think he could win an MVP Award with enough games. Tom Lavanga lives and breathes.”
LWA: “(Subtle nod)”
Andy Waskie: “Who else is on my roster? Oh yeah, Jeff Moore. Great talent, loves Dashboard Confessional.”
LWA: “(Subtle nod)”
Andy Waskie: “(Sly glance)”
LWA: “Would you mind putting down the bag of Reese’s Pieces? Their colorful exterior is distracting. What areas on your squad do you feel are your strengths?”
Andy Waskie: “Pure breed talent. These dudes aren’t even that athletic. They just were born under a special moon. Whether it’s the tiny, curvy moon or the think crescent moon,,, either war… it was special..”
LWA: “You are a pure joy to work with. What areas on your squad would be considered weak and needs improvement?”
Andy Waskie: “I have to step up and be an ace this year. In years past I relied on Jay Oseredzuk and Mike Lubieski to be the Aces. They had the stuff for it. I was merely a closer forced into starting. Like a young Troy Percival. May I take five minutes to use the restroom?”
LWA: “We can finish this out.”
Andy Waskie: “I really have to go.”
LWA: “Wait a few minutes.”
Andy Waskie: “I’m really starting to dislike you.”
LWA: “Assuming everyone on your roster is present (and only 5 can be in a lineup at once) what might an Opening Day lineup look like for the Angry Silverbacks?”
Andy Waskie: “I have no idea yet. Probably Lubi – Lavanga – Guzz – Me – Buddafet. If Rob Deering’s there, he’ll probably start.”
LWA: “Looks impressive. What can you honestly expect from Mike Lubieski this season?”
Andy Waskie: “Several no-shows and a late May No-Hitter.”
LWA: “How much can you count on Buddafet?”
Andy Waskie: “A lot if the numbers are small.”
LWA: “Will you and Guzz co-exist?”
Andy Waskie: “I highly doubt it but it’ll be fun seeing how it plays out. Reminds me of a James Bond film.”
LWA: “Tell us about Tom Lavanga.”
Andy Waskie: “True Hall of Famer and a casual gentleman.”
LWA: “Numbers-wise… predict your season.”
Andy Waskie: “What’s the highest everything can be? Whatever that is then.”
LWA: “Say something unusual.”
Andy Waskie: “My pet jaguar is a shade of periwinkle white.”
LWA: “What teams do you feel will be your biggest competition?”
Andy Waskie: “Silverbacks are our rival. Bad blood is spilled everywhere. I also expect tough games from both the Sandtraps and the Woodsmen.”
LWA: “Your thoughts on the new league format so far?”
Andy Waskie: “Interesting and though-provoking.”
LWA: “(Hearty chuckle) Your thoughts on the new rules added up to this point?”
Andy Waskie: “Crisp and well-thought out.”
LWA: “Would you like anything changed?”
Andy Waskie: “Unlimited walks so Greg Davis would play for the Silverbacks.”
LWA: “Never gonna happen. What are some key dates that you’re looking forward to this year?”
Andy Waskie: “The Hall of Fame Inductions and Opening Day. I’d like to see some more legends from the past come out for Opening Day.”
LWA: “Let’s play a little word association. Kev Shaw.”
Andy Waskie: “Tough and fair.”
LWA: “Nick Waskie.”
Andy Waskie: “Eats my food often.”
LWA: “Bill Shaw.”
Andy Waskie: “One of the legendary men of the 20th Century.”
LWA: “Commissioner Cade Feeney.”
Andy Waskie: “Gentle, addictive, smooth.”
LWA: “Jay Oseredzuk.”
Andy Waskie: “Touching me as we speak.”
LWA: “Dagobah Sandtraps.”
Andy Waskie: “Interesting draft.”
LWA: “Shady Woodsmen.”
Andy Waskie: “Shit talk spews like coffee.”
LWA: “Olive oil.”
Andy Waskie: “A smooth mixture of toxins and carbohydrates.”
LWA: “Sliders.”
Andy Waskie: “Nobody has a good one.”
LWA: “LWA.”
Andy Waskie: “American as hot dogs and cock-sucking.”
LWA: “Who are some players you see shining this season?”
Andy Waskie: “Nick and Guzz. Vince Shipos. Geoff Geary. Colonel Mustafa..”
LWA: “Is there anybody in particular you’d like to acquire?”
Andy Waskie: “JT or Nick.”
LWA: “Anything else, in closing, you’d like to say to the league?”
Andy Waskie: “I shit my pants.”
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LWA Interviews Angry Silverbacks GM Kev Shaw
Boy, what can one say about the Angry Silverbacks? That they’re angry? Perhaps. But I think the better word to describe this rag-tag bunch of bad apples is smooth. Just taking a peak down their roster would give any GM a feeling reminiscent of an icy yogurt sliding down the back of your throat on a hot August morn… smooth. Or even the gentle caress of a woman on the underside of your scrote region… smooth (and ticklish). Any way you describe it… the Angry Silverbacks have some smooth customers in their stable. Cy Young winner Phil Shipos… smooth, former Rookie of the Year Greg Davis… smooth, Future Star of the Future Recipient JT (last name unknown)… smooth. But the smoothest of all is their GM, the Sultan of Smooth – Kev Shaw. Winner of the 2007 GM of the Year Award, this individual has transcended Wiffleball with his talent but even more so, with his eye for talent. An eye, some say, that can spot a Wiffleball prospect on a dark hillside in an Italian vista. His knowledge of the game is eclipsed only by his artistry for it. It was a great pleasure to sit down with a future Hall of Famer. Here is the interview with Kev Shaw.
LWA: “Thank you for taking the time to sit with us, we know you’re busy no-showing events so it’s a real honor to be here. How are you today?”
Kev Shaw: “I’m well thanks (said gleefully).”
LWA: “How would you say your franchise is shaping up?”
Kev Shaw: “I’m happy with the direction of the squad. It’s a very different Silverbacks team, lots of changes that we needed to make.”
LWA: “Who do you expect big things from this year?”
Kev Shaw: “Honestly… everyone.”
LWA: “Ugh.”
Kev Shaw: “Phil Shipos is a true ace… something the ‘Backs have lacked since Bill Shaw tore his labrum in a Playstation accident in ’98. But overall everyone’s gotta step up… myself more than anyone. I hit 7 HR in two games at Core Creek Park before. You remember that? That was awesome.”
LWA: “You obviously don’t remember it. It was 7 HR in one game! A record that’s tied with two others for the most all time.”
Kev Shaw: “(Exhaling weed)”
LWA: “Who on your roster, if you were to get this person for even a few games, would make a tremendous difference on your team and why?”
Kev Shaw: “Gotta be Greg Davis.”
LWA: “(Subtle nod)”
Kev Shaw: “The kid is a beast, everyone knows it. I’ve talked him into the Repko Deal and I’m hoping he comes out, plays well, gets inspired and decides he can give the team more than just the Repko Deal. Unlimited walks is still his sticking point. Fucking douchebag.”
LWA: “(Subtle nod)”
Kev Shaw: “(Awkward silence)”
LWA: “Excuse me, it’s quite smoky in here. What areas on your squad do you feel are your strengths?”
Kev Shaw: “Finally, for once in our lives… pitching. Phil is Phil. JT can flat out toss. I improved last year and hope to continue that. Another strength is that Shawn Slivinski brings candy to games. No other team has a guy like that. Also, we have a really good defensive team. I think that is something that is overlooked.”
LWA: “I love candy. What areas on your squad would be considered weak and needs improvement?”
Kev Shaw: “We have to hit better. I hit a stretch last year where every time I made contact, it went straight to someone. I wanted to kill the game of Wiffleball. If Greg shows, he’ll help big time in that department. Dude can RAKE.”
LWA: “Good because the field has a ton of leaves on it.”
Kev Shaw: “(Makes comedic drum sound)”
LWA: “Assuming everyone on your roster is present (and only 5 can be in a lineup at once) what might an Opening Day lineup look like for the Angry Silverbacks?”
Kev Shaw: “Wow! Probably – Shawn Slivinski, Myself, Phil Shipos, Greg Davis, JT.”
LWA: “Looks impressive. What can you honestly expect from Greg Davis this season?”
Kev Shaw: “Many tates and a better attitude.”
LWA: “How much can you count on Phil Shipos?”
Kev Shaw: “100000% true gamer, sick pitcher, enjoys being a Silverback.”
LWA: “Is JT a serious Rookie of the Year candidate?”
Kev Shaw: “No doubt he is! He rose 17 places to crack the top 10 in player ratings because of last year!”
LWA: “Tell us about Shawn Slivinski.”
Kev Shaw: “Candy man… enjoys a tin of Skoal and a pair of man Capri’s.”
LWA: “Numbers-wise… predict your season, dude.”
Kev Shaw: “Won’t predict but I’d be happy with… .400 Avg., 20 HR, lots of RBI. (Also) a sub 5.00 ERA and most of all a winning season.”
LWA: “I said predict. Next time, do what I say.”
Kev Shaw: “(Casually exhales a puff of smoke)”
LWA: “What teams do you feel will be your biggest competition?”
Kev Shaw: “The Seahorses have been our main rival since the birth of the LWA. I see no reason why that should change.”
LWA: “Your thoughts on the new league format so far?”
Kev Shaw: “Can’t say enough about how much cream has been in my jeans since the draft happened. Four teams is perfect because you can play a game then watch the other two teams play, hang out, eat hot dogs, and smoke dope… then go play again. Greatest idea since Al Gore invented the Internet.”
LWA: “(Hearty chuckle) Your thoughts on the new rules added up to this point?”
Kev Shaw: “Like some, loathe some. But it’s all in the realm of the game. I’m an old school guy… I’m all about shut up and play. Don’t be a fag and bitch about stuff… just play.”
LWA: “Would you like anything changed?”
Kev Shaw: “Unlimited walks so Greg Davis would show up more for us.”
LWA: “Never gonna happen. What are some key dates that you’re looking forward to this year?”
Kev Shaw: “TURF WARS TOURNEY! If it goes as planned it will be an awesome event. Much like the World Baseball Classic... except many more fat dudes. Also, Opening Day is fantastic. The enthusiasm runs wild like a Cade circa 1995-99. Oh, and one more of my favorite days in wiff (which no one else besides Andy probably cares about) is NFL draft day. I love playing games, watching the Lions pick a WR, and seeing how bad the Eagles fuck their first round pick up.”
LWA: “The LWA does have a special event planned for NFL Draft Day – the 5th time the LWA will celebrate the occasion with games.”
Kev Shaw: “(Appreciate glance)”
LWA: “Let’s play a little word association. Andy Waskie.”
Kev Shaw: “Founding father, a man who I smoked many bowls with while watching Raw.”
LWA: “Nick Waskie.”
Kev Shaw: “A true man-child. A gentle beast who enjoys a hearty laugh and a cigarette.”
LWA: “Bill Shaw.”
Kev Shaw: “Half man, half robot who has been held at gunpoint twice. Scared of nothing.”
LWA: “Commissioner Cade Feeney.”
Kev Shaw: “My second favorite Cade behind Corporate Cade. Pure class act.”
LWA: “Jay Oseredzuk.”
Kev Shaw: “Has the arms of Triple H.”
LWA: “Dagobah Sandtraps.”
Kev Shaw: “Fucking jokers.”
LWA: “Shady Woodsmen.”
Kev Shaw: “Shady?”
LWA: “Olive oil.”
Kev Shaw: “A big assed bowl of pasta with some fresh mozzarella, a house salad with jalapeños and tasty croutons, some garlic bread, a side of stuffed mushrooms, and a triple chocolate cake for desert.”
LWA: “Fuck yeah! Sliders.”
Kev Shaw: “Get deposited in Andy’s front lawn.”
LWA: “LWA.”
Kev Shaw: “Greatest league since the XFL.”
LWA: “Who are some players you see shining this season?”
Kev Shaw: “Ones who stand near light bulbs I suppose.”
LWA: “Is there anybody in particular you’d like to acquire?”
Kev Shaw: “Bill Shaw. I trade for him every year.”
LWA: “Anything else, in closing, you’d like to say to the league?”
Kev Shaw: “Enjoy the winter you fat fucks! See you in March!”
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LWA Interviews Shady Woodsmen GM, Nick Waskie
The Shady Woodsmen have been haunted by ghosts more often than Haley Joel Osment on a bad Saturday. The undeclared champions of the LWA’s first season in 2005, the Woodsmen have been on a downward spiral ever since. Some will attribute the Woodsmen’s collapse to GM Nick Waskie’s failure to draft a winning team. Others point to the loss of Hall of Famers Andy Waskie and Mike Lubieski. But the real truth to why the Shady Woodsmen have struggled to find their path has been due to the relentless pursuit of the hell-demon known as Turmoil. How will Nick Waskie lead his squad, an interesting mix of veterans and rookies, against more formidable opponents this season? Will his personal goals (100 Career Home Runs, MVP chase, CY Young desire) overshadow that of his team’s (Championship)? Let us find out as we sit down with Nick, the GM of the Shady Woodsmen.
LWA: “Thank you for joining us, acehole. How are you today?”
Nick Waskie: “Terrible! That god damn turmoil won’t stop calling me. It’s getting old!”
LWA: “Well since turmoil is an abstract concept, I’m cure you’ll be ok. How would you say your franchise is shaping up?”
Nick Waskie “Very well. The Woodsmen are looking forward to a successful year.”
LWA: “You’re very exciting in your answers. Who do you expect big things from this season?”
Nick Waskie: “Myself and Gar Repko.”
LWA: “Interesting, you left off Jay Oseredzuk… I hear turmoil sneaking up behind you.”
Nick Waskie: “(Cautiously looking over his shoulder).”
LWA: “Who on your roster, if you were to get this person for even a few games would make a tremendous difference on your squad?”
Nick Waskie: “A nice Phil Shipos or Andy only because Andy and I never get to play on the same team.”
LWA: “I said on your roster, bro. Anyway, what areas on your squad do you feel are your strengths?”
Nick Waskie: “All around talent. Pitching in the form of Jay, Gary, Nick, Cade, Andrew, Schmitt, and Levi.”
LWA: “Interesting, you named yourself ahead of Cade and Schmitt, two longtime veterans of the league. Excuse me, do you hear that knocking?”
Nick Waskie: “(Nervously twitching)”
LWA: “Sounds like the pizza delivery man is here.”
Nick Waskie: “(Easing up in his chair)”
LWA: “He’s here… delivering a pie made of turmoil!”
Nick Waskie: “Stop it, accccccceeeeeeehole.”
LWA: “What areas on your squad would be considered weak and needs improvement?”
Nick Waskie: “Probably gay things, but we do not need to improve on them. That’s why I traded Steve Hauber… to keep Andrew’s mind out of the gutter.”
LWA: “Ok. Assuming everyone on your roster is present (and only 5 can be in a lineup at once) what might an Opening Day lineup look like for the Shady Woodsmen?”
Nick Waskie: “Jay, Gary, Cade, Nick, Andrew, Schmitt.”
LWA: “That’s six, Einstein. What teams do you feel will be your biggest competition?”
Nick Waskie: “The Seahorses… I always like to prove my brother wrong.”
LWA: “From what I know, he hasn’t said anything negative at all so stop hating. Who are some players to see shining this season?”
Nick Waskie: “(Biting into a hoagie) Cade, Andrew and JT. We need many more great team names.”
LWA: “Is there anybody in particular you’d like to acquire?”
Nick Waskie: “Lubi or Lavanga… and then there’s Guzz and Redding.”
LWA: “You can have Redding. What can you expect from Jay Oseredzuk, a Hall of Famer this year.”
Nick Waskie: “Everything including the kitchen sink. I mean... the man is a Hall of Famer. Not many of those in the league.”
LWA: “Will Gary Repko be worth the 2nd round pick you spent on him?”
Nick Waskie: “Absolutely! Just the past month since the draft, Gary has gotten more and more excited to play and I’m happy ‘cause it’s for the Woodsmen!”
LWA: “Just wait until he sees Tiger on TV. Are you trying to acquire anybody in particular?”
Nick Waskie: “Not right now, I think I’m good where I’m at.”
LWA: “Liar. Is Chris Schmitt going to crack your starting lineup?”
Nick Waskie: “If he wants to play I have a spot for him!”
LWA: “Liar. How have you avoided turmoil so far this off-season?”
Nick Waskie “I have. Jay is my #1. Although I do get a bit winded from running from turmoil.”
LWA: “He’ll find you when you least expect it. Your thoughts on the new league format?”
Nick Waskie: “4 teams I great. Everybody gets a chance to play.”
LWA: “Your thoughts on the new rules added up to this point?”
Nick Waskie: “They will all change eventually.”
LWA: “Touché. Would you like anything changed?”
Nick Waskie: “I’m good right now.”
LWA: “What are some key dates that you’re looking forward to in 2008?”
Nick Waskie: “My birthday and the ’08 (Hall of Fame voting) that includes Gary Repko getting into the Hall.”
LWA: “Let’s play a little word association. Andy Waskie”
Nick Waskie: “Swindled!”
LWA: “Nick Waskie.”
Nick Waskie: “Hates turmoil.”
LWA: “Bill Shaw.”
Nick Waskie: “Colorful.”
LWA: “Commissioner Case Feeney.”
Nick Waskie: “Commendable.”
LWA: “Jay Oseredzuk.”
Nick Waskie: “Hall of Fame.”
LWA: “Dagobah Sandtraps.”
Nick Waskie: “Laughing-stock.”
LWA: “Shady Woodsmen.”
Nick Waskie: “Champs.”
LWA: “Olive oil.”
Nick Waskie: “Thick.”
LWA: “Sliders.”
Nick Waskie “Nasty.”
LWA: “LWA.”
Nick Waskie: “Focus.”
LWA: “Anything else, in closing, that you’d like to say to the league?”
Nick Waskie: “Long live the Woodsmen!”
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LWA Interviews Dagobah Sandtraps GM Jon Redding
